There's a Fork In the Road--and Both Paths Lead to an Apology

Hi, friends. Today, I’m going to put in my two cents’ worth on apologizing--with no apologies. The question:

What do we do if we think we may have offended or done a disservice to someone, but we’re not sure?

I’m going to suggest that we simply…apologize.

Now please understand that I’m not encouraging you to apologize for being capable, honest, or enforcing work/life parameters. I’m also not suggesting that you apologize for pushing past everyone when the elevator slides open and three people rush in without waiting for you to exit. (Good elevator etiquette dictates that people get OUT before people get IN.)

Nope—I’m talking about apology as a way of mitigating or heading off workplace conflict. We’ve all had the apprehensive feeling that perhaps we’ve offended or let down a colleague. Perhaps your interactions with that person have become more awkward, or perhaps they’ve ceased altogether. Perhaps they're experiencing a challenge on the job, and you're concerned that you may have contributed to that somehow.

The dilemma is that you don’t know for sure—and so you don’t know what to do. Do you apologize and risk shining the spotlight on a mistake or shortcoming of yours that your co-workers haven’t even perceived? Do you risk creating more conflict by rehashing the past? Do you risk appearing weak or vacillating? Or, do you just say nothing, and risk allowing that unanswered offense to fester, creating permanent damage to the relationship?

Again, there are two possible forks in the road here, and they both end in an apology:

Fork #1: The person in question DOES feel hurt or offended, even if they aren’t really showing it, and they are secretly waiting for you to apologize. If you simply offer a sincere apology, those feelings are mitigated.

I've learned that it’s almost NEVER too late to do that. Once, a former colleague who had made hurtful comments called me a year later to apologize. A. Year. Later. She told me the feeling that she needed to set things right had been growing on her for some time, and she could simply no longer ignore the prompting.

Was I angry at her for waiting all that time? Heck, no. I was in AWE of her for doing that.

Fork #2: The person isn’t expecting an apology, and yet you apologize anyway.

What’s the worst that can happen? That person now views you as someone who is sensitive to others’ feelings and someone who has the humility to take responsibility for their mistakes. The times in my career when I’ve gone to someone and made one of those "I'm not sure" apologies, I’ve only been met with appreciation.

The way I see it, work—and life—have enough problems, conflicts and challenges that are out of our control. But extending an appropriate, sincere apology is entirely within our control—it only requires a little courage and a little humility. And when we do, whichever fork we take, the journey becomes more enjoyable, more satisfying and more meaning.